I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
