i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
