he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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