I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
