I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
