My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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