worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
