So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
