I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
