is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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