Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
being pregnant is like rehab
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
