i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
