I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
