Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
