Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's like a pop up book from hell.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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