so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
