i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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