i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
