He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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