i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
