Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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