he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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