just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
this just has baby written all over it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
