Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
