he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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