I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
