Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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