Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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