Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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