this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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