so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
