you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
