i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
