Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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