I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
