We won't sleep together?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
