i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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