Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just want to make out with him forever
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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