If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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