I think I won the penis lottery.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
