I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
