Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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