He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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