I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
