i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
