someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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