new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
