I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
