Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
