a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
