why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
