I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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