My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
