It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
